


Selfish

by ohladygrey



Category: Toy Story (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, and some mentioned dubcon implied, but neither are explicit, mentioned prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 21:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12067635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohladygrey/pseuds/ohladygrey
Summary: There were a whole lot of things he wanted to apologise for – his shitty job, his shitty taste in music, his shitty life – most of all, he wanted to apologise for dragging Andy into it in the first place.





	Selfish

It happens _almost_ by accident. Sid knew all along it was Andy’s place. He could move half a city away, but Sid could still find him despite all those streets between them. It was that one thing he had always been good at – finding Andy.

It starts after Andy finally reaches junior high. He’d moved to a different elementary school when his mum and Molly left the old house, and yet after struggling through his first year of junior high, not really fitting anywhere, a rebel without a cause, he sees Andy’s smiling face amongst all the new ones in the cafeteria. Something seems to click into place as their eyes meet and god Sid’s heart almost _stops_ , but Andy looks away, not seeming to recognise him or even _see_ him.

But Sid likes it that way, Andy was scared of him and with good reason, too. Sid was a fucking douche-bag of a kid and a fucked-up incident with some toys scared him out of that but he still always knew he wasn’t good enough to be friends with Andy. He was never good enough to be friends with anyone.

Years pass this way and they get older. When Sid is sixteen he and his friends take up stupid shit. Drugs, smoking, drinking and sometimes stealing. Andy’s a smart kid, a golden boy. He’s not a nerd, but not quite a jock, not unpopular, but not quite at the top of the food chain. He’s in the middle, but he’s a well-known, liked kid. After all, how could anyone ignore how fucking bright Andy shines?

They’re worlds apart. In comparison to fucked-up dead-beat Sid, Andy’s a prince. Sid does pot and on weekends sucks off old guys in the park to get more money. Since his parents split there was less and less money and his little sister couldn’t get so many new clothes anymore and he hates that. The pay’s good. Even better when he lets them fuck him, but he doesn’t do it often. The more he does, the harder it is to picture Andy’s eyes in his mind. God, those blue eyes.

Sid doesn’t talk to Andy. He doesn’t know what he’d say. ‘Hey Andy, long time no see. While we’re here, let’s talk about the fact that my hallucinations about your toys and thousands of fucking therapy sessions caused my parents to break up because my dad didn’t want a crazy shit like me as a child? Maybe we should talk about the way your lips are so fuckable and that I really want – like – love you?’ Yeah, sure.

Sid drops out of school in his last year. He needs a full-time job so he can get his sister to college. Sid’s not dumb, but Hannah is so brilliant and amazing he wants her to be able to go to a good school and become a doctor like she wants. He’s eighteen when he sees Andy again. He purposefully takes the garbage shift he knows will take him straight past Andy’s house so that maybe, just maybe, he can get a glimpse of Andy. He wants to touch that head of dishevelled sandy hair, fall into those eyes, plunder those lips and god knows what else. He sees Andy at his window, shirtless and just out of the shower one morning on his way through and thanks god for that one glimpse of Andy’s taut chest, not muscular and hairy like Sid’s, but bare and slick with water.

He doesn’t thank god for the raging boner that he can’t take care of because he has to get out of the truck too often.

And all this time Sid is the only one who knows the real Andy. The Andy who in junior high finally stopped asking his mum when dad was going to come home because he realised he never would and walked home crying nearly every afternoon for a month. The Andy who still wakes up at night and can’t sleep when he hears his mother crying in her room. The Andy who still holds that Woody doll (that creepy fucking doll) because it’s all he remembers of his dad and who still sleeps with glow in the dark stars on his roof because of the Buzz Lightyear doll that was the last present the guy ever sent.

Sid knows these things because he knows Andy. Sure, you could call it stalking. Sid doesn’t care about labels, he’s already got enough to tag himself with, what’s one more? He just lives for the nights that he can sleep in his truck happily because he can see Andy asleep. The nights when he sees Andy put the toys back in their box. The nights Andy spends smiling in dreams, not crying awake.

Andy leaves for college and Sid doesn’t know what he should do anymore. His nights are free now, so he goes back to doing stupid shit. Sleeps with guys for money, does drugs and gets so drunk he can’t even remember his own name and let’s himself cry because he knows there’s nothing he can do to make himself better. Andy’s always going to be a straight A straight guy who’s miles away from Sid and so much better.

This goes on for weeks. At least, Sid thinks it’s weeks. He barely remembers anything except to go to work and give Hannah money. He stumbles in one night and Hannah’s student she tutors, Andy’s fucking _sister,_ looks at him with those eyes and says, “Andy’s coming home tomorrow.  You might wanna shave or, you know, shower,” in a typical twelve year-old manner.  Sid glares at Hannah, who knows too fucking much cause she’s too fucking smart for a sixteen year-old and goes to have a shower and a shave, slamming the bathroom door behind him, not caring if he wakes up their mother.

But he doesn’t go to see Andy. Why the fuck would Andy want to see him? They probably spoke once in high school. Well, he knows they spoke once. It was about a week before Sid left school and he dropped his packet of cigarettes only to have Andy pick them up and smile at him. He remembers how close Andy was standing, the smell of his deodorant and fresh laundry before he said, “Careful Sid. You know, you should quit. You’ll get sick.” Before walking away. Sid had sneered, but his heart was beating so damn fast he felt like he could just die.

He cruises up to the house and sits there for an hour wondering if he should go in or not, listening to angry metal and smoking up a storm. But then the passenger door opens and there’s Andy, his hair like always and his eyes so perfect and his lips curved in a smile. There were a whole lot of things he wanted to apologise for – his shitty job, his shitty taste in music, his shitty life – most of all, he wanted to apologise for dragging Andy into it in the first place. But he just says hey and rolls down his window before lighting a cigarette for something to do with his hands.

“You’re always here, Sid. I don’t know what you want,” Andy’s voice is soft. Innocent. Sid hates himself for loving it.

“I think you do,” Sid’s voice is husky in comparison. Deep and more manly and he probably smells like pot and cigarettes despite his two showers before he came. “Fuck Andy, what are we doing?”

Andy doesn’t say anything, but looks out the window to the perfect piece of suburbia they’re in with a wry smile. “What we always do. Pretending we don’t see each other.” He looks at Sid and his expression’s somewhere between sadness and hopelessness.

Sid laughs, but it’s far from funny. “Fuck off Andy, you never saw me. I saw you all the time. You know I saw you but you never gave a shit about me. Sitting here pretending you did because you can see what a fucking mess I am isn’t helping either of us.” He flicks the cigarette out of the window without bothering to finish it.

“I went to the park.” Sid freezes and Andy laughs shakily. “I went because I knew you were there and what you did. I wanted you to do that to me but then I fucking realised you didn’t _want_ it and I felt like a jerk and-”

Sid crashes his lips down on Andy’s and rolls over the gear stick and hand brake in a painful manoeuvre before settling himself on the smaller boy who kisses him back just as hungrily. Andy’s hard and he drives his crotch into Sid’s and it feels like every single one of the cells in his body are on fire at once and he just wants more. He slides off Andy’s t-shirt and rakes his finger over his ribs, growling as Andy arches his body up and gasps “Oh fuck me” against Sid’s lips.

He almost creams his pants right there.

And then he realises, this is _Andy_ and stops, panting and resting his head between Andy’s shoulder and neck, his chest heaving in silent sobs. God, he couldn’t corrupt Andy like this; make him so dirty like him. He was going somewhere – Sid was going nowhere. “I can’t,” he whispers. “I just – I fucking can’t Andy. You’re so… and I’m—”

He feels Andy’s lips in his hair and arms come around him. “We’re both fucked Sid. We always have been. This… _thing_ with us. It’s not normal. I shouldn’t even want this. But I do. I want you,” Andy’s whole chest feels warm like he’s blushing even there and Sid’s responding chuckle is throaty.

He sits up and cups Andy’s face with his rough fingers and those blue eyes are looking at _him_ , really looking. “I don’t just want you Andy. Can’t you see that? Fuck I—” Sid growls because he can’t just say those three words because he’s so fucking emotionally stunted and damaged that he thinks saying them will just make Andy leave even sooner and he’s too weak to let him go.

“I know,” Andy whispers, pressing his forehead against Sid’s then cupping his chin and stroking the small patch of hair there. “Me too.”

He’s selfish. He’s not going to let Andy leave him again, no way in hell. He doesn’t want to be alone and dirty and maybe, just maybe, Andy can make it better. Maybe he won’t drag Andy down and make him just as fucked as he is, but he can’t care. All he knows is that Andy actually wants him and that’s enough for now.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a really long time ago, and it was posted on fanfic for a while, so you might recognise it. Edited any stray issues, but otherwise just the same as it always was. Thanks for reading.


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